The Final Nail in the Coffin: Wrapping Up Twilight

If this blog were a book, this post would be the epilogue: skippable and unnecessary, but nice to have because it wraps everything up.

Reading Twilight and blogging about my experiences was an experience in itself.


Twilight was the perfect storm. It had everything I could ever wish for: poor dialogue, numerous plot holes, irrational characters who were easy to root against, all wrapped up in an interesting story.

Here’s where I have to give Stephenie Meyer some credit. I know I’ve spent the last 15 months making fun of her writing style, but at least she created a story that was slightly captivating. The problem with a lot of writers these days is they totally ignore the plot and instead get lost inside their beautiful language.

There’s nothing wrong with writing a novel filled with poetry, but if you want people to read it, and by people I mean regular people, not English professors and hipsters (no offense to English professors, I know a few who are pretty cool), it needs an actual story.

Was Twilight cliche? Yes. Was it cheesy? Yes. Did it make me want to punch the characters (except for Jacob) in the throat out of frustration? Yes. But it kept my interest. And in the end, that’s what matters.

If I were a teenage girl, I’m sure I would’ve sped through the book in a matter of days. One of the keys to writing a best-selling book (or any other thing that makes a lot of money) is knowing your audience.  Michael Bay knows people who watch Transformers love explosions. Drake knows his fans will buy his music no matter how boring it is. And Stephenie Meyer knows most teenage girls don’t care about good writing but they love romance (I’m guessing).

How to become a best-selling author (according to someone who’s never sold anything in his life [except for his soul…])

  1. Be famous
  2. Be lucky
  3. Have an interesting story to tell
  4. Know your audience
  5. Have a famous person read your book and like it
  6. Be controversial
  7. Have a cool title and a beautiful cover on your book
  8. Get your book made into a movie
  9. Die
  10. Write good (this is probably too high on the list, but I didn’t feel like making up 16 more reasons for best-sellers)

Having said that, does Twilight deserve the hate? Yes. The story had potential, but it was bogged down by terrible dialogue, uninteresting characters and terrible dialogue. Also, the dialogue was terrible. The dialogue is so bad, it is lit’rally the worst. I can’t even with the dialogue. It’s an embarrassment. Edward doesn’t know how to talk like a regular human being. Some might say, “Oh, he grew up in the early 1900s, people talked weird back then.” Yes, he did, but he also lived on through the early 2000s. You’d think he’d pick some things up, like how to talk normally and not like a book.

I’ll admit, however, that it is quotable. “You’re interesting when you sleep” may be the best five words in the English language.

And the romance between Edward and Bella was the worst love story I’ve seen in any work of fiction, besides the Star Wars prequels. The relationship between Anakin and Padme seemed so forced (see what I did there?), and it wasn’t helped by one of the worst scripts known to man and Hayden Christiansen’s terrible acting.

But I believe a lot of the hate toward this book came from people who never even picked it up. They didn’t give it a chance. They just hated it because it was the cool thing to do.

I’ve written 29 posts totaling 28,598 words about Twilight. For comparison:

  • Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck: 29,166
  • A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens: 28,944
  • Animal Farm, George Orwell: 29,966
  • Hamlet, William Shakespeare: 30,066

So these incredible writers wrote these stories that changed the world (for better or for worse), and they did it in as many words as it took me to write about Twilight. That does make me feel a little sad, especially when I think about all the time I could have spent writing my own stories. But what makes me feel better is that out of the 136,000+ Twilight fan stories on, about 1,300 of them come in at over 100,000 words.

So if you ever think that you’re wasting time doing whatever, just remember that there are hundreds of people who spent months writing fake Twilight stories that will never be read by anyone. And if you’re feeling great, just remember that 50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fanfiction and the author is making millions of dollars more than you ever will. Probably.

So get out there and read Twilight! Or don’t. The point of this blog was to save you from hours of potential pain and suffering. But do whatever you want. I won’t stop you.

Final grades for Twilight

  • Story: 3.1/5
  • Characters: 1.8/5
  • Dialogue: 0/5
  • Writing: 1.5/5
  • Overall: 4/13

I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m not good at math. That’s my excuse.


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