That’s It, I Guess: Twilight, the epilogue

You know that feeling when you’re taking a test and you think you’ve finished, and then you turn it over and realize you’ve got a whole page left that you didn’t know about? That’s essentially what Twilight’s epilogue is.

Bella’s all dressed up. Edward’s all dressed up. Bella has no idea what’s going on.

Charlie’s doing OK now. He’s very grateful for Carlisle for saving Bella’s life, but he blames Edward for putting her in danger, because if Edward hadn’t made Bella mad, she wouldn’t have gone to Phoenix in the first place.

Speaking of Charlie, he calls Edward to tell him there’s someone at the Swan residence to see Bella. It’s Tyler. Remember a long time ago when he was telling everyone in school that he was taking Bella to the prom? Well, he’s at Bella’s house today to bring Bella to the prom.

This is awkward. I’m gonna throw up.

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Edward talks to Tyler and tells him to scram, because Bella’s taken.

At this point, Bella realizes that Edward is taking her to prom. She even says “it was embarrassingly obvious.” But she was so blinded by her own selfishness that she didn’t see it until now.

What occasion was Bella thinking Edward was taking her to, you ask? Oh, just your usual human-to-vampire transformation ceremony, which in her opinion “seems more rational than prom does.”

She gets mad at Edward and cries, because she hates dancing. That’s weird. I don’t remember her crying when Tracker James was about to kill her. Sure, she was scared, but she wasn’t crying. Of course, she could have been crying and I just don’t remember it because it was so long ago. I’m not a fan of dancing, either, but if I had to choose between dancing and dying, I’d pick dancing at least 8 times out of 10. 

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Bella was about to be torn to shreds. If I were in her place, I would have cried a little. Probably.

 

Bella does have one leg in a cast because somehow it got broken in a previous chapter, which would probably make dancing difficult.

She tries to get out of it by asking Edward if he wants her to lock the doors of the school so that he can kill everyone inside. She may have said sarcastically, but I think there’s a part of her that would rather be an accessory to murder than dance for a few minutes.

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Dancing is only fun when nobody’s watching.

They dance. Scratch that. Edward dances and brings Bella along for the ride. Bella’s almost enjoying it, and she says she feels like she’s five years old.

“You don’t look five,” Edward replies.

Here’s where things get interesting. Jacob Black shows up and asks if he can step in. Edward reluctantly allows it.

It’s been awhile since we last heard from Jacob. He’s 6’2” and much taller than Bella and awkward. He doesn’t really dance with Bella, they just sway back and forth. Bella asks him if he sees any girls that he likes. There’s one, he says, “but she’s taken.”

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Jacob tells Bella that his dad paid him $20 to come here and tell Bella to break up with Edward. Billy Black thinks Edward is to blame for Bella’s injuries.

This is awkward. I’m gonna throw up again.

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But wait! There’s more! Billy told Jacob to tell Bella, “We’ll be watching,” whatever that means.

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The song ends, and so does the dance. Jacob asks Bella if she wants to dance again, but Edward chases him off. The vampire doesn’t like Jacob for some reason. I wonder if there’ll be a love triangle somewhere in the future. It seems plausible, but I don’t see it happening. Edward lit’rally saved her life. It would be a really bad move on her part to leave him for a young, incredibly handsome boy who has a paranoid father. I think Bella will remain faithful to Edward throughout the rest of the saga. 

The couple goes outside. As they’re leaving, Bella notices her “friends” looking at her. Jessica and Mike, Ashley and Ben. Lee, Samantha, Lauren, Conner. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Who are these people, and how does Bella know them? I lit’rally have no memory of them, and despite Bella saying she “could name every face,” I doubt she actually could. She’s spent the last few months obsessing over a vampire. She had no time for “friends.” It’s like Stephenie Meyer just panicked and threw in a few random white people names and hoped no one would notice that they hadn’t been mentioned before.

And another thing. Ashley and Ben? Who the heck is Ben? I thought Eric was going to prom with Ashley! What happened to Eric? Did he get hit by a bus or have a cello recital or something?

After doing some research, I’ve learned that Ben shows up in the chapter where Bella and her friends are at the beach. He has one sentence: “Eric and the boy I thought was named Ben gathered broken branches of driftwood…”

This boy might not be Ben, actually. Bella just thinks his name was Ben, but there’s no confirmation that it actually is. For all we know, his name could be Lamar or Enrique or Zaphod Beeblebrox. But for all intents and purposes, let’s just pretend the author knew what she was doing and this actually is Ben. 

I still want to know what happened to Eric.

Getting back to the story, it’s nearing the end. Edward says something deep and philosophical that has never been uttered before in the history of the world.

“Twilight, again,” he murmured. “Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end.”

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It’s a sad occasion for some people, but not me.

People always make a big deal about how all good things must come to an end, but the same thing goes for bad things as well. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Two and a Half Men, and yes, even Twilight.

Bella and Edward switch to a more serious topic: turning Bella into a vampire. She’s been ready for a while now, ready “for this to be the twilight of your life,” Edward says, “though your life has barely started. You’re ready to give up everything.”

Bella responds with some sentiment about how this isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. Never heard that one before. Edward doesn’t think he’s worth it, but Bella insists that he is.

The last section of dialogue is legendary, and any attempts to poke fun at it would prove ineffective, since it does such a good job of that already, so here you go:

Edward: “Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?”
Bella: “Not exactly. Mostly I dream about being with you forever.”
Eddie: “Bella. I will stay with you – isn’t that enough?”
Bell: “Enough for now…Look. I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?”
Ed: “Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever.”

And with that, Edward bites Bella’s neck.

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The end.

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