Bella’s Not Dead: Twilight, Chapter 24, Part 1

When you love someone, you’re willing to follow them to the ends of the earth, or even Ohio. That’s something Bella’s mom has yet to figure out.

Bella’s not dead. Contrary to what was portrayed in chapter 23, Bella is alive and feeling pain. Edward’s with her in the room, so everything’s all right. He told Bella’s mom that Bella fell down two flights of stairs and through a window and suffered these injuries:

  • One broken leg (we don’t know which one, because Stephenie Meyer was kind enough not to tell us)
  • Four broken ribs (but no punctured lung, so Bella should consider herself lucky)
  • “Some cracks” in her skull (This sounds serious)
  • Bruises on “every inch” of her skin (I doubt that’s true. If it were, Bella would be one giant bruise)

She also received some blood transfusions, which made her “smell all wrong,” Edward says. Well, I’m sorry, Edward. Maybe it’d be better if Bella died from blood loss. At least then she would still smell the same.

According to Edward, he that he came to Phoenix to talk some sense into Bella, who agreed to meet with him in his hotel room along with Alice and Carlisle. As Bella was going to his room, she trips on some stairs, tumbles down two flights, and falls out a window. And if you’re worried that Renee might go to the hotel and see that the story holds no water, it’s OK. Alice did her best to fabricate evidence, whatever that means.

I just have one question: if Bella is so accident-prone, why would she take the stairs? You’d think she’d take the elevator. This isn’t a motel; it’s a hotel, and hotels usually have elevators unless they’re one floor high. But then that would eliminate the need for stairs.

Also, how does one fall down two flights of stairs? It seems like if Bella fell down one flight, the wall would be enough to stop her fall. It’s not like she hits the wall, bounces off and falls down another flight. That just doesn’t seem realistic.

asdfmovie5

Bella asks Edward how he did it, and “he knew what I meant at once.” Unfortunately, I’m not as smart as Edward, so I don’t know what she means.

“Don’t I taste as good as I smell?” she asks. He responds in the creepiest way possible: “Even better – better than I imagined.”

I’m trying to come up with a creepier response, but I’m coming up short. And I’ve just figured out that Bella was referring to when he sucked the venom out of her bloodstream. That’s why Bella asked him how she tasted.

What happened to Tracker James? Emmett and Jasper “took care of him,” Edward says. There was a lot of blood afterwards. But it’s never explicitly stated that the bad vampire is dead. I have a feeling he’s going to make a comeback.

Rejected_Commercials_by_Don_Hertzfeldt
The vampire fight probably looked something like this, only less violent.

Renee’s coming, so Edward pretends to take a nap on the “turquoise faux-leather recliner” at the foot of Bella’s bed. Interesting choice of detail here. So the author tells us about the and the material of a random chair, but we don’t know if it’s Bella’s left leg or right leg that’s broken. Cool.

Bella finds out that she’s been out since Friday. So how long has it been? Bella tries “to remember what day it had been when…but I didn’t want to think about that.”

It’s fine if Bella doesn’t want to think about the day she got attacked by an evil vampire, but as a reader, I’m very curious. How long was Bella knocked out? I’m guessing Stephenie Meyer doesn’t even know the answer to that question. She probably doesn’t remember. But she has no problem talking about a turquoise recliner.

Renee’s got some great news. Phil her boyfriend just signed a contract with the Suns. Not the Phoenix Suns. The Jacksonville Suns. Oh, you haven’t heard of them? You might know them by their new name, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. They changed their name six days before Donald Trump was elected president. Famous baseball players such as Nolan Ryan, Tom Seaver, Clayton Kershaw and Alex Roidriguez played for them at one time or another.

50_Cent_Throws_Out_First_Pitch_at_Mets_Game_FUNNY
Phil should be fine, as long as he doesn’t do this.

I don’t like Renee. Wait, that’s a little harsh. I hate Renee, only because she hates Ohio. She said she got worried when Phil her boyfriend was talking about playing in Akron, because God forbid she have to support him by moving to the birthplace of two of the greatest NBA players of all time. She complains about the cold. Ohio is not that bad.

But she’s excited for Florida, even making excuses like “the humidity really isn’t that bad.” Um, yes it is that bad. Humidity is lit’rally one of the 20 worst things in the world.  

You know what else is in Florida? Sinkholes and hurricanes and the nightmarish hellscape disguised as a tourist trap known as Disney World. And old people. Now, I’ve met a lot of old people who are really cool, but none of them live in Florida. Part of the reason for that is I’ve never been to Florida, but I don’t think that’s relevant to my argument. 

Fish_eats_helicopter
Just a typical day in Florida, just another reason to never buy a helicopter.

Renee doesn’t seem committed to this relationship. If she really loved Phil, she would have gone with him to Akron, Alaska or Antarctica. If I’m Phil and I’m reading this book, or this blog, I’m dumping her right away. She cares too much about the weather and not enough about love.

Renee could learn something from her daughter. I hate to say it, but Bella’s love for Edward is stronger than Renee’s love for Phil her baseball boyfriend. Renee, take Charlie back. Phil’s just going to jump from team to team, and you may end up in Ohio someday. Better play it safe and dump him.

Also, Renee and Phil, never take relationship advice from a writer. Especially if that writer is Stephenie Meyer.

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