Scared of the French: Twilight, Chapter 18

If you think there’s a vampire who wants to drink your blood, the best thing to do is move to a city 1,500 miles away and hopes he doesn’t follow you.


During the vampire baseball chapter (new band name, I call it), the Cullens sensed that there were some potentially shady people coming.

Three vampires arrive. Strangers, so we already know they’re dangerous. Bella notices they walk like cats, which is a sign that they’re not to be trusted. Do you know who else walks like cats? Cats. And I don’t trust cats.

There are two men and one woman in the group, dressed like backpackers, and the color of their eyes is a sinister burgundy, which I didn’t even know was possible. The most beautiful name introduces himself as Laurent, and his companions are Victoria and James. They have French accents, so yet another reason not to trust them.

Never trust a vampire, especially one that looks like Nicolas Cage.

Laurent asks if he and his friends can join the baseball game, but wouldn’t you know it, the Cullens just finished their game. What horrible timing by the French people. If only they’d arrived a half hour earlier.

So what are they doing in Washington, you ask? Well, they’re heading north but they were “curious to see who was in the neighborhood.” Laurent asks Carlisle what his “hunting range” is, which I’m guessing is vampire for “how far do you go to drink human blood?” but I’m no expert.

Carlisle asks the strangers if they’ll come to his house to talk more about vampire stuff in private, and tells Laurent not to hunt in the area. Laurent says not to worry, because they just ate outside of Seattle.

The French vampires then notice a human in the Cullens’ group. It’s Bella, in case you were wondering. Their noses go crazy at the smell of potential food, and they’re puzzled as to why vampires would be hanging around a human without drinking her blood.

I’ve never drank (drunk?) blood, but if I ever do, this is what I would look like.


But after they get over the weirdness of the whole situation, Laurent says they’d still like to visit the Cullens’ home.

Carlisle, Esme and Jasper take the French people aside, and Edward, Bella, Emmett and Alice run off to the Jeep to discuss things, mainly what to do since these vampires really want to meet with Bella, and not because they want to be her friend. Edward’s driving over a hundred miles an hour and saying bad words under his breath. Bella’s panicking. She wants to go home.

But Edward refuses to take her home, because he read the mind of one of the vampires (it’s unclear which one he’s talking about) and saw that this vampire is a tracker, a hunter, and he wants Bella. And he wants her tonight. Not a very comforting thing to hear if you’re Bella.

So what do they do? Edward wants to take her somewhere safe, far away from her home, but Bella says they can’t do this because Charlie will get suspicious that his daughter hasn’t come home and he’s going to call the FBI. Because the police chief of a town of less than 4,000 people can just pick up his phone and call the FBI and expect them to help him find his missing daughter.

But Bella can’t go home, because what if the tracker vampire is there?

Here’s the plan they come up with: Bella is going to move to Phoenix. How she’s going to convince Charlie of that, I have no idea. It’s literally a 24-hour drive. It’s over 1,500 miles from where Bella is right now.

But I guess this is the only logical solution.

It’s a lot more complicated than that, but I don’t feel like explaining the whole thing. It’s too much work.

Sometimes this is what it feels like to read Twilight.

Brilliant writing once again from Stephenie Meyer

“He’ll know that we’ll know that he’s listening. He’ll never believe I’m actually going where I say I’m going.” – Bella explaining, in a kind of confusing way, why it’s a good idea to go down to Phoenix to run away from this vampire. Reverse psychiatry, to quote Andy Dwyer.

Other places Bella could go to instead of Phoenix

  • Cave Creek, Arizona: Stephenie Meyer lives in this small town 27 miles north of Phoenix. Bella could visit Meyer and ask her to write a solution to this problem, preferably one that involves Jacob coming to the rescue.
  • New Hampshire: This is as good a hiding spot as any. Most American humans don’t even know New Hampshire exists, so I doubt a French vampire would know better.
  • Hollywood: Bella could pitch her life story to someone and get it made into a blockbuster movie franchise. The evil vampires wouldn’t dare kill someone so high-profile.
  • Seattle: “The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.” — Pippin, The Two Towers
  • Scranton, Pennsylvania: The Dunder Mifflin Paper Company won’t let anything happen to Bella. I’d like to see the vampire that can take Dwight Schrute one-on-one and come out alive.

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