Team Edward: Chapter 17

This first paragraph is usually where I summarize the entire post, but I’m feeling too lazy to do that right now, so you’ll have to read through the whole thing.

Edward and Bella drive to Bella’s house, where they find some unexpected guests: Billy and Jacob Black. Edward refers to Jacob as a “child,” even though he’s a few years younger than Bella. It seems like there’s something brewing between the two, and it’s not a budding bromance. It feels more like a rivalry, as if there’s going to be a love triangle in the future. But what do I know?

Edward drives away, leaving Bella to deal with the Blacks. Billy hands her a paper bag, says it’s some of “Harry Clearwater’s homemade fish fry,” which is clearly code for drugs. Either that or actual fried fish. I’m going with the drugs. Don’t do drugs, kids. 

This is what drugs can do to you.

Billy asks Bella where Charlie is, and she lies, and he knows it, so he tells Jacob to get a picture from the car, when apparently no such picture exists. Well, apparently to everyone but Jacob. With the boy gone, Billy tells Bella he doesn’t like how she’s hanging out with the Cullens, and she tells him it’s none of his business.

Jacob comes back, and, surprise, surprise, there’s no picture! And, even a bigger surprise, it’s time to leave! Sorry, Jacob, but your dad is doing his best to keep you away from this vampire-loving girl from Arizona. I guess you two were never meant to be.

Back in the house, Bella tries to figure out what kind of clothes she should wear to watch her vampire boyfriend and his vampire family play baseball. If only there were a standard dress code for this specific occasion. Here’s my rule: when in doubt, assume the event is black tie optional. Just like life.

Bella’s friend Jessica randomly calls and says she had so much fun at the dance with Mike.

Thirsty Mike wishes he was as cool as Napoleon Dynamite.

(Remember a long time ago when there was all that drama between Bella and this guy named Thirsty Mike who really wanted her to take her to this dance? Yeah, me neither. That was a long time ago.)

At the dance, Thirsty Mike kissed Jessica. Apparently he’s over Bella. Or is he? Maybe it was a decoy, maybe he did it to prove to Jessica that he no longer has feelings for Bella when in reality he still has feelings for Bella.

While Jessica’s spilling out her soul, Bella lies and says that yesterday, she didn’t do much, “just hung around outside to enjoy the sun.” This is where alarms should have gone off in Jessica’s head. This is a textbook example of someone lying to cover up that she’s been canoodling with a vampire.

Canoodling is a funny word.

Jessica asks Bella if she’s had any more contact with Edward. But before Bella can think of another lie, Charlie comes in. How convenient.

During dinner, Bella drops a bombshell on her dad, telling him that she’s kind of been seeing Edward Cullen, and that they “sort of have a date” tonight. Charlie drops his fork. After a few moments of not knowing what to say or do, Charlie says the young man, Edwin, he calls him, is “too mature” for Bella, too old. If only Charlie knew how true his statement was.

Turns out, the Harry Clearwater fish fry was actual fried fish, not drugs. I was wrong. But better safe than sorry.

The bell rings, and who else could it be but Edward, “in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” Interesting comparison, but I won’t judge. I don’t know much about the raincoat marketing industry.


Edward tells Charlie he’ll take care of Bella, but I have a feeling Charlie doesn’t trust this Edwin character. I wouldn’t.

Charlie’s mood right now, probably

Then the two lovebirds hop into Edward’s Jeep monster with tires that are higher than Bella’s waist. They drive until the road ends, and Edward plans to carry her the rest of the way, despite her fears of throwing up and hitting trees, not necessarily in that order.

Then the vampire kisses Bella by putting his mouth on her mouth, and Bella doesn’t fight, just lets it happen. Then the spell breaks and Edward tells her she’ll be the death of him. Hopefully this is foreshadowing that leads to Bella getting with Jacob just like the universe intended.

After this, Edward carries Bella through the woods. She closes her eyes and doesn’t open them until he says, “It’s over, Bella,” referring to the ride, not the relationship, unfortunately. They get into an argument about how Edward said Bella will be the death of him, then Edward tells Bella he loves her, but kind of without realizing it. She doesn’t say anything back.

“Are you ready for some ball?” Edward asks, which makes me wonder if he’s ever played baseball before.

Bella joins Esme, Dr. Cullen’s wife and Edward’s stepmother, who’s acting as umpire and gives Bella her approval, saying, “You’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow.” That’s a nice sentiment, but how does Esme know that everything’s going to be all right? She can’t see into the future. Can she? No, she can’t. Alice can.

When vampires play baseball, they don’t wear gloves, they use aluminum bats, and if they don’t hit the pitch, then it’s a strike. Seems a bit unfair to the batter. When they hit the ball, it sounds like a piece of thunder. When one slides into another, it sounds like two big rocks hitting each other. Also, everything’s moving so fast that the human eye chooses not to see it.

So watching vampire baseball is more like listening to a game on the radio with no commentators. Sounds even more boring than regular baseball. But Bella loves it because  Edward’s playing. She even says, “Go team!” which is what someone says when they’re at a sporting event and they have no idea what’s going on or even what the teams’ names are. 

Speaking of teams, this is probably the first instance of someone being on Team Edward. If you know me, then you know I have been on Team Jacob for years now. If you can’t deal with that, then we might have a problem.

Out of nowhere, Alice gets a bad feeling, and Edward switches out with Esme so he can stand next to Bella. The vampires keep playing, but they’re bunting and standing in the infield. They are scared. But what do vampires have to fear but fear itself?

There’s some dangerous folk coming, and from what I gather, they’re looking for blood. Human blood.

Questions you should never have to ask your significant other

“Would I let a tree hurt you?” — Edward to Bella

Props to Edward for protecting Bella from the evil trees!

A tree has never purposefully harmed any creature. That’s just part of being a tree, is you can’t hurt someone unless it’s by accident. Well, I guess you could count the trees in Middle Earth. They can be quite nasty at times.

This is a Wyoming Tree. I do not trust it at all.

Edward throws logic out the window

Edward: “You smell so good in the rain.”
Bella: “In a good way, or in a bad way?”
Edward: “Both, always both.”

So to sum this up, Bella smells good in the rain in a good way, but also in a bad way. That doesn’t make sense.

That escalated quickly

“I’m never angry with you — how could I be? Brave, trusting…warm as you are.”

— Edward to Bella

Poor Edward. He was trying to compliment Bella and he almost did, but then he made it weird by bringing up her body temperature. The only time you should bring up that topic is if there’s a fever involved.

When you’re trying to sound like you know a lot about something when you really don’t

“They razzed each other like any street ballplayers as they took turns with the lead.”

This was extremely painful to read. I don’t know what a street ballplayer is, but it sounds racist. I googled the phrase with quotes around it, and I came up with 145 results. 145! In the entire internet, that phrase shows up 145 times. Well, I guess it’ll be 146 once this post is published. My point is, nobody says “street ballplayers,” and if they do, they’re talking about streetball players, which is basketball, not baseball.

Stephenie Meyer, do yourself a favor and don’t write about sports ever again. Your writing will only improve.

Speaking of sports in fiction, I’d just like to say that Quidditch is one of the worst things ever invented. It doesn’t make sense as a sport, with its stupid scoring system. I’ll leave it at that and maybe I’ll elaborate at a later time.


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