Definition of a Relationship, Anatomy of a Kiss: Twilight, Chapter 13

I’ve heard that when two people are in a romantic relationship, they will sometimes sit down and have a long talk that some call a DTR, or “define the relationship.” It’s something normal people do, I think. Bella and Edward do this in this chapter. So now that you know what happens, you can stop reading.

Highlights

“A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.”

That’s Edward, if you haven’t figured it out already.

Edward and Bella lay with each other in the grass, not in the biblical sense of the word ‘lay,’ but in the normal sense that most of us are used to. Bella can’t stop staring at Edward. Stephenie Meyer gives us some very tantalizing details that I will address later.

Edward’s eyes are butterscotch, in case you were wondering, and I know you were.

They touch each other’s arms with their hands. They say some words that don’t sound like conversation. Then Bella makes a mistake when their faces are near each other. “I smelled his cool breath in my face,” she says. “Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.” She leans in closer to get a sniff, but Edward runs away.

Why does he run away? Because he’s afraid that if he’s too close to her for too long, he’ll bite her. So he runs really fast around a meadow and breaks thick branches, showing off his muscles to the girl he likes/loves/wants to suck blood from but can’t because he likes/loves her.

Then they talk again. Bella says she doesn’t want Edward to leave, but that’s why he must leave: because she doesn’t want him to. What? That doesn’t make sense. Oh, because it’s for her sake that he has to leave. What an unselfish being Edward is!

“I’m essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should.”

Come on, Edward! The one time I try to defend you, and you go and contradict me like that? Way to make me look bad.

Then he goes to explain his craving for blood and people, using an analogy. Every person smells different to him. If you lock a recovering alcoholic in a room full of beer, he could resist drinking it. Beer’s overrated, anyway. But if you replaced that wheat juice with something better, maybe a single malt Scotch (Edward uses brandy and cognac in his example), it’s going to be a little harder to resist.

Then Edward decides this isn’t a good analogy, and everything gets drugly again. The two decide that Bella is Edward’s brand of heroin.

Why, Stephenie Meyer? Why? Why must you dive into the dangerous pool that is drugs? Don’t you even know your audience? I don’t know where you’re from, but in the homeschool community, children aren’t even thinking about heroin until they’re in high school, and that’s when they’re writing about their favorite female Bible characters for a composition class.

Edward starts to talk about his family, and Bella learns that his brother, Emmett, was once in Edward’s shoes. He, too, loved a girl. What happened? Edward puts it this way: “Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?”

Parks_and_Recreation_Ron_s_Shoe_Shine
What could he possibly mean by that?

Then the vampire tells Bella everything. Why was he so mean to her when they first met? Because he wanted to drink her blood, that’s why. It’s the only logical explanation. He had spent years trying to deny his thirst, as he put it. Then Bella shows up. “It was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me,” he says.

He forced himself to stay away from her. He drove to Alaska. Alaska! In one day! Do you know how far away that is?

Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 8.40.53 PM
That’s far.

Edward talks some more, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he starts rubbing his face on Bella’s body, starting at her neck and going down a few inches. Then the two of them are still. Bella thinks they might have stood there for hours. That sounds horrible.

Then it’s Bella’s turn. She rubs Edward’s body with her hand.

Then more talking about Edward being more human than he’s ever been before. He has these “hungers” that he doesn’t understand. Then he gives Bella a piggyback ride.

Parks_and_Recreation_Piggyback_Ride

It goes by pretty fast, almost like a roller coaster, if the roller coaster was a creature that could rip your throat out at any moment and also had very strong feelings for you. Bella is terrified as Edward runs through the forest. She feels like she’s sticking her head out an airplane window. It took them hours to get where they were, and then they’re back at Bella’s truck in a few minutes.

She gets dizzy, and then it happens.

Edward kisses Bella by placing his mouth on her mouth. And this is where I stop.

Parks_and_Recreation_Chris_kisses_Ron
“My first kiss went a little like this…” (not really)

This chapter was a gold mine for bad dialogue

  • “How easily frustrated I am.” – Edward
    • How easily frustrated I am, as well, when I read sentences like this one.
  • “How do I explain? And without frightening you….hmmmm. That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth.” – Edward
    • A normal person would say “hmm,” with two m’s. Only a creep would say it with four. And I think I’ve mentioned this before: no one has used the word ‘pleasant’ since the 1930s.
  • “You are exactly my brand of heroin.”
    • Oh, good. I thought Edward was going to say “You are virtually my brand of heroin” or “You are basically my brand of heroin.” Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for telling us that Bella is exactly Edward’s brand of heroin.
  • “The blush on your cheeks is lovely.” – Edward
    • Cool.  

Some thinks are better left unthunk

  • “So if we’d met…oh, in a dark alley or something…”
    • Bella, don’t ever think about that, especially about a guy who really wants to drink your blood.

One thing Edward says that would be creepy if I said it’s, and it’s still creepy when he says it

  • “In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone…You would have come.”
    • That’s some serial killer-type stuff right there.

Things you’ll have to deal with if you date a vampire

  • “No throat exposure”
    • This would probably be a deal-breaker for a lot of people. I mean, you can’t expose your throat? You would have to wear a turtleneck all the time. No one should have to stoop to that level.

You’re Wrong, Edward!

  • “As you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can’t empathize completely.”
    • Bella is addicted to an illegal substance called Edward Cullen, which is a gateway drug into all kinds of paranormal romantic activity, as well as sequels and film adaptations.
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