Eat the Food! Twilight, Chapter Eight

If you save a girl from getting mugged (and worse) by four guys, there are only two things you can do. You can drive her back to her home, or you can take her out to an Italian restaurant.


Bella and her friends Jessica and Angela go shopping for dresses in Port Angeles. While there, Bella finds out that Tyler, the kid who almost ran her over with his stupid van, is telling everyone at school that he’s taking her to prom. This makes Bella mad, and she thinks of running him over with her truck. This seems like the only logical solution.

Eventually, Bella gets bored, so she wanders away from her friends in search of a bookstore. Which is what I would have done if my friends were shopping for dresses.

Port Angeles has a population of around 19,000 people. And when a city has that many people, a few are bound to be of less-than-noble character. That’s the case with Port Angeles. As Bella’s walking down the streets, a group of four shady hoodlums start following her. She ignores them, but they split up and start surrounding her. I have a weird feeling that something bad will happen. The tension builds up, and I can only think of one way out of this predicament: Edward comes in and beats up the bad guys.

Edward shows up in his Volvo. What does he do? He tells Bella to get in the car, and he drives away, leaving the men unharmed.

That was very anticlimactic. Thanks a lot, Stephenie Meyer.

They meet up with Bella’s friends, and Edward tells them to leave and says he’ll get Bella back home. After the girls leave, Edward takes Bella out to dinner. They go to a restaurant without a name, because apparently none of the places in Port Angeles have names. The hostess brings them to a table set for four, but Edward smiles at her, maybe hands her a tip, and she gives them a secluded booth.

This is definitely a date. They are going to eat food. Don’t believe me? Watch this elf dressed as Will Ferrell explain the details of dating. If that doesn’t convince you, watch this enchanted scene.

A waitress named Amber comes up to serve them, and Bella notices that Amber is only focused on Edward, as if Bella is invisible or something. By some miracle, Bella is able to get her order in: mushroom ravioli. Really, Bella? Mushroom ravioli? You have an entire menu of food and you order mushroom ravioli? Are you even human? Edward orders nothing because he’s Edward, and Amber leaves, dissatisfied.

Bella and Edward engage in laughably bad dialogue, which I will address later on. Just as Bella is going to tell Edward her theory on what he is (a vampire), Thirsty Amber comes by with Bella’s food and asks Edward if he’s changed his mind on ordering food. He says no and she walks away disappointed.

The conversation continues. Edward acts mysterious, as per usual, as if he’s afraid of something. Bella tells him he can trust her, then she touches the back of his hand, and then he spills the beans. He followed her to Port Angeles because she’s a magnet for trouble. He confesses that, yes, he can read minds, and he was reading Jessica’s, and through that, he realized that Bella was all by herself, and he drove around in circles looking for her.

He says it was hard for him to not kill those creepy guys, which is why he insisted on going to dinner with Bella. “I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them.”

They leave the restaurant and get in Edward’s car. Now it’s Bella’s turn to talk.

Blatant and Shameless Promotion of Drug Use

“The mushrooms were good.”

Don’t do drugs, kids. Same goes for you, teenagers, young adults, and old people as well. Drugs are bad. Look what they did to Miley Cyrus:

Screen Shot 2016-04-14 at 10.51.29 PM

And the Nominees for Worst Piece of Dialogue Are…

“The color blue looks lovely with your skin” – Edward

“I feel very safe with you” – Bella

“Usually you’re in a better mood when your eyes are so light. You’re always crabbier when your eyes are black” – Bella

“Yes, here I sit because of you. Because somehow you knew how to find me today?” – Bella

Best line

“Your number was up the first time I met you.” – Edward

I imagine Edward saying this to Bella, then walking away as a Michael Bay explosion goes off behind him.

Bella Potential Boyfriend Power Rankings

  1. Edward – Okay, what he did here was pretty heroic, and he finally opened up to Bella, something that’s been keeping him from the top spot. And he went on a date with Bella, something no one else here has done.
  2. Jacob – His time will come. I am sure of it.
  3. Mike – I applaud him for walking away from a girl who didn’t want him. Sure, it took him a while to get the hint, but his vision was impaired by love.
  4. Eric – Pools are perfect for holding water. There’s nothing else to say about Eric. He might be the most boring of these five guys.
  5. Tyler – You can’t tell the whole school you’re taking a girl when you haven’t even asked her out yet. That’s just downright sad.

What’s Next

The good news? Bella gets to go home after a long day. The bad news? Home is an hour away, and Edward is driving her there, meaning we can look forward to an hour of unrealistic dialogue and awkward interactions.


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