Bella Googles Vampires: Twilight, Chapter Seven


Back in my day, when I wanted to research a topic, I went to the library and read books that I could hold in my hands. Kids these days use things like Googles, which are things that help them find things on the line or something like that. Technology is ruining our country.


When she gets back from school, Bella listens to a CD that she got from her mom’s boyfriend the Christmas before. They used “a little too much bass and shrieking” for her tastes, but she listens to it over and over again until she falls asleep.

I’d like to think maybe The Devil Wears Prada or August Burns Red or Norma Jean, but I don’t think she would have been able to tolerate something that heavy. It took me almost a year to get into August Burns Red, so I doubt she was able to do it in a few hours. Perhaps it was some screamo or alt rock band. Maybe My Chemical Romance or Anberlin.

Anyway, Bella finds herself running through the forest with Jacob Black. He’s pulling her deeper and deeper into the woods, and Thirsty Mike yells. Jacob turns into a wolf. Edward steps forward, his smile showing an arsenal of pointed teeth. The wolf jumps toward Bella and tries to bite her neck.

Then she wakes up. This always happens in dreams–you wake up just before you die. What happens if you don’t wake up in time? Do you die in real life, or do you wake up after you’ve been killed in the dreamworld? Man, dreams are confusing. Someone should make a movie about that.

It’s 5:30 a.m. Bella’s still in the clothes she wore the day before (reminds me of one of my old roommates). She gets on her computer and as she waits for it to connect to the internet (dial-up, anyone?), she eats breakfast, then gets back onto her computer and closes all those pop-up ads.

“Eventually I made it to my favorite search engine.” Okay, so Yahoo? AskJeeves? AltaVista? Which is it? Why don’t you just say Google, Stephenie Meyer? Do you have something against the company?

Bella types in one word: Vampire.

She goes to a site with an alphabetical list of vampires from all around the world: Romania, Poland, Israel, Slovakia, the Philippines, Kentucky. Meyer spends an entire page chronicling Bella’s journey through the list, but it does absolutely nothing except bore the reader.

One entry really catches Bella’s eye: “Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.”

Bella’s relieved that good vampires exist. Never mind the hundreds of others that would kill you without thinking twice, that would suck your blood until you were drier than the Kalahari Desert.

Bella takes a walk in the woods by herself and thinks about Edward. Who else? Is he a vampire? It would explain a lot: the superhuman speed, the changing eye color, the pale skin, the way he speaks, the fact that he skipped class the day they were looking at blood types, his uncanny ability to know what other people are thinking.

If Edward is a vampire, that has huge implications on Bella’s life. She has two options. She could ignore him, stay very far away from him, pretend they’d never met. This would be the smart thing to do. Or, she could do nothing. After all, if he is in fact a vampire, he has not harmed her yet. So maybe he’s one of those good vampires.

Bella ends up back at her house. Nothing happened while she was in the forest, making the woodsy setting useless. She could have done all that thinking while on the couch. Then again, maybe that fresh air did her some good.

Bella works on homework–a Macbeth essay, trigonometry–then drives to school and sits down at a bench. Then Thirsty Mike sees her, touches her hair (the most physical contact he’s ever had with her up to this point in the book), and after a bit of small talk, says he was planning on asking her out.

Excuse me while I throw up.IMG_20160318_222645522

Okay, I’m back. Now, I don’t have much experience in the asking-girls-out department (I don’t have any, actually), but I’m pretty sure that if you’re planning on asking a girl out, you don’t tell her that you were planning on asking her out. You just ask her out. That’s like telling someone you want to get coffee with them so that you can ask them out. It just doesn’t work that way.

Anyway, Bella shuts him down, tells him he should stop thirsting after her because Jessica likes him, then makes up some excuse to exit the conversation.

Today turns out to be a horrible day for Bella, because Edward is not at school. As the hours pass by, Bella’s mood gets worse and worse.

When she gets home, she gets a call from Jessica, who’s ecstatic because Thirsty Mike asked her out to dinner. Good for them both, especially Thirsty Mike. He finally got the hint.

After a supper of fish and salad, Bella decides to read some Jane Austen. She opens up Sense and Sensibility, only to remember three chapters in that the hero’s name is Edward. So she picks up Mansfield Park, but the hero’s name is Edmund, which is too close to Edward. So she just gives up. 

The next day, Edward again doesn’t show up to school. Bella’s disappointed, so to take her mind off the beautiful, mysterious guy, she decides to go dress shopping with Jessica and some other female friends.

Useless Description

“When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away.”

Okay, so now we know Bella cleans her dishes after using them. And this helps the reader how?

Constructive Criticism

Stephenie Meyer, although you are terrible at creating believable dialogue, you’ve shown that you have some idea of how to paint a good scene. You did a great job of describing the forest. But you have to realize that you can’t use visuals just for visuals’ sake. There has to be a reason for it. That forest scene does absolutely nothing. So next time, don’t give us a beautiful setting if it doesn’t affect the story in some way.

Bella Potential Boyfriend Power Rankings

  1. Jacob – As a longtime member of Team Jacob, I assure you, my support for Jacob plays absolutely no part in his weekly position in these power rankings. I am completely unbiased.
  2. Edward – Bella, Edward is wrong for you! Choose Jacob! I say this not as a Jacob fan, but as a human being with no preference for either character. I promise.
  3. Thirsty Mike – He seems to be losing interest in Bella, evidenced by his asking Jessica out. But maybe this is a part of a bigger plan.
  4. Eric – I have a cousin named Eric. He cuts my hair.
  5. Tyler – This would make a great name for a giraffe.

Your Age is Showing

“I found my old headphones, and I plugged them into my little CD player.”

This book was published in 2005, so the iPod had been out for a few years already. But I’m guessing CD players were still commonplace at that time.

“There was a basketball game on that [Charlie] was excited about”

Because he lives in Washington, I’m assuming Charlie is a fan of the Seattle Supersonics. If you don’t know who the Supersonics are, it’s either because you don’t care for the NBA, or because you’re a fan of the Golden State Warriors. The Seattle Supersonics were an NBA team up until 2008, when they moved down south and became the Oklahoma City Thunder.

What’s Next

I wonder if Bella will get over Edward and choose Jacob to be her special one. I’m also interested in whether Thirsty Mike is actually interested in Jessica, or if he’s pretending so he can catch Bella off guard one day. But most of all, I want to know how the shopping trip will go. I can’t think of anything more captivating than looking for dresses that will probably be worn once, if at all. Hours and hours of fun.


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